We Heard the Angels of Madness
I'm reading a book called We Heard the Angels of Madness, by Diane and Lisa Berger. It was written in 1991 and there have been a lot of changes in diagnoses and treatment since then, but it is still thought provoking. There are some passages that frightened and enlightened me.Over half of manic-depressive patients attempt suicide, although the "success" rate is closer to 15%.
Estimates of people with some form of bipolar disorder fall between 1-10%.
I've often wondered why I don't have the "classic" symptoms, episodes of mania or depression that last weeks to months at a time. I read about Cyclothymia:
A person suffering from cyclothymia can be thought of as the walking wounded. While the exaggerated moods may not be intense or long, the illness can bring about a string of unhappy and painful crises although a person may continue to function (albeit marginally) at work and home. Someone with this disorder may be moody, irritable, antisocial, unstable, impulsive, and volatile. The cyclothymic sometimes abuses drugs or alcohol. He may have marital problems or be promiscuous; start projects or jobs that he never finishes; change jobs or homes constantly; argue loudly, then feel very contrite; swing between feeling inferior and feeling grandiose and superior; or go on spending sprees...Others are simply known as very moody people who can't hold down a job, drink excessively, and go through many marriages or romances. In short, they barely cope or cope miserably.
Could this be why I can't find a treatment that works? That I can't distinguish my "moods swings" from just being "a bitch"?
A mother's reaction to diagnosis:
To be mentally ill is to have no secrets, no hidden self, no self separate and private from the eyes of others. It is to be constantly under glass,e very move scrutinized and studied and evaluated. How many of us could stand up to such scrutiny? I feel guilty and remorsefully for having put my son in this place where one's very soul is dissected and written about.
Drugs:
Patients often feel that their medications, while quelling psychosis or lifting depression, make them a different person. They say they're less energetic, more quiet, less spontaneous, and physically uncomfortable, and often suffer from constant thirst, nausea, or blurred vision. Yet these drugs enable them to hold jobs, manage money, and keep family relationships intact..."To patients, taking medication is a daily reminder that they are chronically mentally ill, that they might become psychotic again, and that life is nowhere near what they or their families hoped for or expected," concludes psychiatrist Ronald Diamond.
Stopping medication is very common among manic-depressives. Doctors report that one third to one half their patients, at some time, stop drug therapy.
Drugs do not cure manic depression, they simply relieve its symptoms.
I feel as though "Cyclothymia" is a discovery for me. I feel like I am constantly in some state, I can't control my mouth or my actions. I don't have any "real" emotions, it is all caused by some short circuit in my brain. I'm not allowed to have feelings, I'm being watched. Happiness is not happiness, it is mania. Sadness is not sadness, it is depression. Yet irritability is always me being a bitch. Hopefully this will help in my treatment.
